TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of area. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Indeed, confident, let's have A further location exactly where American Males can don robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: provide everyone a set within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he need to stop using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from space, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not just ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Features


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "the place's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is previously attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In Trump Tower Damascus line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage can even include things like:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where by my PTSD might have transform-down assistance."


Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Feelings from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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